


(Clothes) Make the Man

by orphan_account



Category: Pacific Rim (2013)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Canonical Character Death, Gen, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Sharing Clothes, sort of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-21
Updated: 2013-10-21
Packaged: 2017-12-30 02:41:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,936
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1013091
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>For the second time in his life, Chuck is grieving the death of a parent.</p>
            </blockquote>





	(Clothes) Make the Man

**Author's Note:**

> cleaned up fill for [this prompt](http://pacificrimkink.livejournal.com/2747.html?thread=3459515#t3459515)

A week after Pitfall, seven empty caskets are buried along the Hong Kong coast, and the surviving members of the PPDC watch as the final casualties of the Kaiju War are laid to rest.

Beside him, Mako is silent, but as angry as Chuck is, he doesn't move away. Holding her hand, Raleigh sniffs as the final casket, Stacker's, is put into place before its simple headstone, and Chuck bites back an angry shout. He wants to hit something but doesn't, wants to hit someone but doesn't. Mako and Raleigh should have kept Striker safe, but Chuck should have been piloting her, not getting tricked by his old man, yet Chuck had run to their quarters on his word, the box exactly where Herc had said it would be, only empty.

Herc's order and Stacker's footsteps are still rattling in the back of Chuck's brain.

He returns to the Shatterdome as soon as the ceremony is over, locking himself and Max in their room. They stay on Herc's side for the rest of the day, messing up his neatly made bed. Chuck wraps himself in Herc's duvet, and Max falls asleep with his nose in the linens.

It becomes a habit.

* * *

He remembers the stages of grief from his mum's death, but it's different this time. He skips Denial and Bargaining- Herc's dead and can't come back for anything or anyone- and only stays in Anger for a week or so. But he gets stuck in Depression. He's sad but can't cry. He'd cried so hard when Mum died, he'd thought die, but now, all he is, is stuffed.

The worst part is, Chuck misses him. He'd got used to having Herc around, especially once they got Striker. Now he's lost both, he's forgotten how to function. He catches himself talking to Herc sometimes, only to remember he's dead. It makes him twitch, because he keep seeing flashes of the bluey bastard. He blames them on the part of his brain still expecting Herc to show up one day, alive and asking, "What? Didn't think I wouldn't come back, did ya, Chucks?" and wishes it would stop.

There's an ache in his skull as his mind searches for Herc's, which he ignores. It'll catch on soon enough.

* * *

Four months after Pitfall, he accidentally opens Herc's dresser instead of his own, and something clicks into place.

* * *

Herc hadn't left much behind, except lots of henleys- twenty of them, old and softer than anything of Chuck's. There are a number of white undershirts, too, and a pile of issue Kwoon clothes. He bins most everything else, including a pair of neon orange trakkie daks he gave Herc years ago (He'd thought Herc had gotten tossed them, and he's not sure what it means that he didn't).

When he isn't wearing them, they stay in Herc's dresser. They still smell like him, and Chuck isn't ready to deal with losing this last bit of him.

The undershirt he hides by his bed and grabs when the nightmares get bad loses it first. He pretends he doesn't cry when he gives in and washes it, but the second time around, he gets desperate. He wraps them in bags so they wont't smell like him, but cold plastic isn't comforting when his eyes are watering and he's shivering and the only thing he can see in the darkness is the empty spot by Herc's headstone where his own ought to be.

He'd trade every journo who's called him a hero for his dad, or even the chance to ask why- why he had to survive twice, why he couldn't let Chuck take what Mako got. Why he never promised things would be all right.

* * *

He eats in the mess that afternoon for the first time since Pitfall, heart in his throat. He's not sure why he's nervous. It's the same place it was before, and he ate without Herc all the time.

"Hey, Chuck!" Tendo calls, a few tables over, waving him over. "Long time, no see," the tech says softly as Chuck sits down beside him, handing over his pudding. "Eat this, and no whining. You look like shit."

"Fuck off." Chuck elbows him, and Tendo snorts into his soup.

It isn't easy- he has to sit on his hands to keep from touching his shirt- but by the time he takes Max for his evening walk, Chuck feels almost human again.

Before he goes to bed, he lays out his clothes for tomorrow. Most aren't his.

It becomes a habit.

* * *

Chuck takes to sitting with people, rarely joining in, but listening to them talk is like a white noise machine for the storm in his head. Max is always with him, of course, won't leave for anything anymore, not since Herc didn't come back. The dog stares out windows and whimpers, like he thinks the old man's going to come back. He eats less, too, but he comes when Chuck calls and curls up next to him at night.

Sometimes, when he hasn't been sleeping, Chuck wonders if Max will ever stop waiting for Herc's return, and if he does, will Chuck, too?

* * *

He's been sitting in LOCCENT for almost two hours, flpping through his PPDC dossier, when Tendo breaks the silence.

"Hey, Chuck?"

"Yeah?"

"Can we talk for a minute?"

"Sure, mate. What about?" Chuck's trying for nonchalant, but he knows he isn't fooling Tendo.

"Don't take this the wrong way, but isn- wasn't that Herc's shirt?" Chuck opens his mouth, trying and failing to come up with an answer that isn't "I miss my dad," but Tendo doesn't seem to need one yet, rambling awkwardly and gesturing at the shirt's hem. "It's just... Those oil stains, I remember asking about them, and he said the techs played a prank on him and Scott."

Chuck keeps gaping until he finally blurts, "I don't remember that." He'd thought he knew everything important about Herc...

"Oh. Well, no, I guess you wouldn't."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Chuck spits, suddenly tired of this conversation.

"Hey, take it easy. It means that it happened when he was piloting with Scott and everyone knows you two weren't talking at all back then. The curse of Hercules, it's practically it's own legend."

"Curse? It's not a curse. It's his own fault."

"I suppose you know why your uncle was dismissed, then?" Tendo asks, giving Chuck a look that says he damn well knows Herc refused to tell Chuck and made it clear that anyone who did, would be out of a job. At least.

"No, I don't, but-"

"No. No buts, Chuck. You ever notice your dad made sure he was the bad guy? It was never Scott, never your fault, never anyone but his? Has Scott tried to contact you? Has he offered to let you live with him? Of course not. Because  _that's_  who your uncle is, a child throwing a tantrum, because his big brother drew a line.

"He could have refused you entrance to the Academy, you know that? He could have refused to Drift with you, but he didn't, because he put you here and wouldn't rip the carpet out from under you again. 

"How you grieve is up to you, Chuck, but Herc was my best friend. He loved you, and I won't have you badmouthing him in his own fucking clothes, son or not!"

By the last, Tendo's out of his chair and shouting in Chuck's face. His face is red, hair messy, and it hits Chuck that he isn't the only one who misses his dad. He hadn't even known Herc and Tendo spoke, but no one, not even Mako or Raleigh, has gotten this upset at him.

"Tendo, I-"

"No. Don't." Tendo interrupts, deflating, and slowly drops to the floor beside Chuck. "You mind if I sit here?"

Chuck shakes his head, confused. "What-"

"You're a mess, kid, but I shouldn't have shouted at you, even if I did mean it."

Chuck doesn't know what to say to that, if there even is anything, and Tendo doesn't seem to have anything else to say, so they lapse into silence.

Tendo's panting is slowly turning into normal breaths when Chuck finds himself talking.

"Nobody's yelled at me since Herc."

"Well, they shouldn't," Tendo sighs. "Shouting doesn't help."

"Doesn't it, though? I mean, they've got that shouting therapy."

"Yeah, but that's where the person  _in_  therapy shouts, not the therapist, which is who I am in this metaphor."

"D'you think I need therapy?"

"Chuck, your entire family needs therapy. Pentecost kept trying to push Herc to take you to a double session, but Herc kept saying you had to want to go, and so long as there are Kaiju and you two could pilot, you wouldn't."

"He was that right about that," Chuck admits. "I would've gone if they ordered me, but I wouldn't have liked it."

"Your dad hated it at first. Word is, he made such a fuss after one session, your Australian marshall shouted himself hoarse, then locked Herc in a simulator for nearly three hours. He came around after that."

"He never mentioned therapy."

"Of course he didn't. You would have given him shit for it, and he got enough of that from Scott."

Chuck nods. Uncle Scott and his dad were either best friends or trying to kill each other, usually the latter, and his uncle didn't pull punches, not like Herc did.

"Is that part of why he had to leave?" It makes sense, but Tendo shakes his head.

"Honestly, no one told me, and I never asked. Whatever he saw in the Drift, it scared Herc, and I don't want to know what kind of thing could scare him."

Chuck nods, chuckling as an old memory surfaces. "Roos."

"What?"

"Roos. Dad was terrified of 'em. He used to make Mum go on school trips with me outside the city in case we ran into any." The chuckling turns into real laughter as remembers the look on Herc's face as he tried to explain to Chuck, aged seven, why he didn't want to go look at the boomer in the yard without sounding like a child. "She told me once, he made an arse of himself on their first anniversary-" He's laughing so hard, he can barely breathe, Tendo's chuckle only making it worse. "The fucker left her alone at the table 'cause they were eating outside and a joey wandered over! She swore he  _squeaked!"_

Tendo howls, laughing so hard he falls against Chuck. There are tears running down their faces, and every time Tendo wipes his face with his hands, it only get wet again.

"What kind of Australian-" He hiccups as they quiet down, "-is afraid of  _kangaroos?_  Did he fall off one on the way to school when he was little?"

"Shit, don't-"

Too late. They're laughing again, clinging to each other as Chuck's shoulder gets soaked.

He's not sure when, but at some point, the crying stops having laughter with it and Chuck winds up crying into Tendo's shoulder, overwhelmingly relieved that he can finally cry and frightened like he was before that he'll never stop. He's too deep in the memories of his dad to be embarrassed, but he's glad that Tendo's just crying, too. He'd thought he was the only one crying for his mum and hated it. It's good to know he isn't the only one missing his dad.

* * *

It's become a habit, of sorts. He and Tendo spend the day doing whatever they want, but at the end of the day, they wind up in Chuck's quarters, sitting on Herc's bed, talking. Max stretches out between them once he's inspected Tendo's pockets for treats- Herc gave him a bag when he found out Tendo wasn't comfortable around dogs and got them a dogsitter who adores Max. Usually they talk about Herc, filling in the gaps in each other's knowledge, but not always. (Chuck can now hot wire a car, pickpocket, and sing the Chinese national anthem, and Tendo knows the basics of rugby and football, as well as enough aboriginal words to get himself in trouble but not out of it.)

"I went off the rails when  _yehyeh_  died," Tendo tells him once. "Fucking joined a gang and wound up in prison."

"Herc would kick my arse if I did that." Chuck's chuckle is watery, and Tendo puts an arm around his shoulders, careful of Max. "Not that he can do anything about it."

"Sure he can."

"Like?"

"Like be himself and get on everyone in heaven's nerves until he sees you again."

Chuck snorts. "You think he'd get into heaven? He didn't believe in god."

"Ah, well, that would be a problem," Tendo says, overly mournful. "I'm not sure he'd even make it into purgatory. Speaking of which-" Chuck doesn't trust the gleam in his eyes, not at all, "- have you considered where your eternal soul will come to rest? It's all in this book, called- Ow!"

* * *

One night, they're sitting together, laughing about the stupid shit his dad used to do, when Chuck mentions a disgusting tennis ball Herc used to use for playing fetch with Max, and the dog perks up, getting up and sliding off the bed.

"I haven't seen it in ages, but you should have seen it," Chuck mutters, leaning over. "It was awful, but Max loved it."

"Man, in this place? I'm surprised it didn't get soaked in something toxic and kill him- not that I'd want that, Maxy boy. Of course I wouldn't."

Chuck's nodding- someone accidentally used the wrong kind of oil in the mess and nearly killed everyone back in Sydney- when Max comes trotting back.

"Max, come here," Chuck calls. There's no way, but... "Good boy, that's it. Drop it. Drop it. Drop- There we go, good dog."

"Is that-?"

"The tennis ball? Yeah, yeah, it is. Where'd you find this, Max?"

Max barks, little tail wagging so hard he nearly falls over.

"I don't suppose you speak dog?" Tendo asks.

Chuck glares at him, but turns his attention back to the dog. "Show me where you got this. Come on, Max! Where'd you hide it?"

Max heads to his dog bed, humans right behind him. At first, it looks the same as it always has, but then Chuck notices a lump in the blanket at the bottom. Reaching out, he flips it over and finds a boot. It's one of the ones Herc wore when he piloted Lucky Seven with Uncle Scott, the plain leather's been chewed a little but not much, not like it could be.

"Why does he have a shoe?"

"It's one of Dad's. When we got Striker, he wanted to wear the same ones he'd always worn, but the day we went to get mine, he could only find one. Max must've taken it..."

"I wonder what else he's got?" Tendo scratches Max's ear before giving Chuck a look. "You wanna take a look?"

Chuck nods.

* * *

In the end, Max had collected one boot; three pairs of briefs; two and a half socks; an undershirt, a formal button down, and a compression top; the last six inches of a jean trouser leg; a broken belt; a glove; Herc's only tie; and cloth pouch that, upon closer inspection, has pictures of Chuck's mum, Herc, and Chuck.

Chuck looks at Tendo, helpless. "Why...?"

Tendo shrugs and says simply, "He loved you."

"But he never..." An old fear creeps to the surface. "I didn't think he even wanted me most of the time."

"Well, little Hansen, you were wrong," Tendo announces, then squints. "Do you know what Herc's last words were?"

Chuck backs away- he'd only made it to LOCCENT in time to see Striker Eureka's signal disappear, but he's had nightmares that started with hearing his father's last words- but Tendo keeps talking.

"Then let me tell you. They were, 'Look after my boy.'" Chuck shakes his head, biting his lip and waiting for the twist. "That's it. The last thing Herc wanted to say in this life was a command to take care of you." Still talking, Tendo reels Chuck into a hug, and Chuck finds himself hugging back as hard as he can. "He was ashamed of failing as your father, not of you. He knew people would want to know the pilots' last words and told them he loved you, so they'd remember that, not your problems.

"You can fight and kill Kaiju, Chuck," Tendo's voice softens, "but when it comes to people, you're still eleven years old, and he knew that was on him. But he didn't want that to be your life and did what he thought would help you."

"But-"

"Parents don't want to outlive their kids, Chuck. There was never any question in his mind that you wouldn't be involved in Pitfall if he could help it."

Wrapped in Tendo's hug- it's odd, hugging a man who's all around littler than him- Chuck thinks he might have found the answers to a few of the questions for his dad. Some, he'll never figure out, but for now, he knows enough.

* * *

He doesn't know how to thank Tendo, because he's pretty sure a card isn't enough, but one night, after Tendo's gone back to his quarters, Chuck gets an idea. He's not sure why he thinks it's a good one, but as he grabs one of the shirts that still smell like Herc, puts it in its own bag, and slides it under Tendo's door, it feels like the right thing.


End file.
